‘I’ve had a struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder my whole life. Every time I do something, or every time I talk to someone, I repeat it over and over in my head. I don’t know if it’s a fear of forgetting things but every time I do something, I repeat it over and over. Anxiety goes along with it and that makes it even more stressful. I get to where I obsess about something dozens of times and I no longer know if I’m right anymore. It’s like a never-ending movie and it’s not always going forward. Sometimes, it goes backward and in all other directions. I will most likely even replay this conversation we’re having over and over again.
I’ve been on medication for it. I’ve had therapy and I’ve read self-help books about it but this is a part of me and my life. It affects me in my daily life, my relationships, my work. It affects my work to the point that, when I obsess over a certain color or a particular order of things, I end up forgetting the more important details. It jumbles my mind to the point where I feel a pending doom that hovers over me and I have to eliminate it.
I deal with it through music and the expression of music. When I write my music, I have and feel a free-flowing sense of direction. I don’t have to write about just one thing. It’s important to write from what I know. Writing music about my own demons has helped my need to have things in order because, at any moment, the foundation under me and my psyche could crumble. Have you ever had a dream when you’re falling and you never land? That’s what the idea of the foundation crumbling feels like. Close your eyes and imagine that you’re drowning. What does that feel like? You can’t reach the top of the water…you feel you have no voice to cry out for help. Thankfully, for me, I’ve always had the voice of my music to keep my feet on the ground.’