‘When I was a kid, I didn’t make friends easily so I kept to myself and that was hard. I made friends here and there but it was never easy. There were rumors spread about me in school. I’d introduce myself to someone and they’d say, ‘oh yeah, I’ve heard of you.’ I remember thoughts going through my head, ‘you’re not good enough. No one loves you…you’re not worth anything and you don’t have a purpose.’ I actually felt like God had forgotten about me. It felt like no one cared or even knew who I was and I’d stay in bed all day. I was diagnosed with depression in 2011 and I was told about it like I had a cold. I wasn’t told how to deal with it or what to do. I was just given medication.
Sometimes, it’s hard to be trusting when you share your story after you’ve attempted suicide. You can be afraid that people will look at you differently. You end up learning that those who accept your story and who commend you for overcoming those demons are the ones you hang on to and keep in your life. It was hard to imagine sharing this story but I recently checked myself into a hospital in eastern Idaho. I was there for four days and when I was there, I found out that I’m not alone. There are so many others who are in the same boat as I am. One of the nurses told me, ‘you have to live in the now. You can’t worry about the future or the past. You have to stay focused on today.’ That’s what I’ve been doing. If I had hurt myself or ended my own life, I would have missed the joy of my friend having her baby or my sister graduating high school. Even though I don’t know where my life is going, I now know that there is a purpose and I have found the motivation to keep going…every day.
To anyone out there on the edge, you’re not the only one. I deal with it every day and I know what it feels like to want the pain to be over and to find the light again. Find help. Talk to someone. There’s no shame in falling to the bottom and there’s nothing wrong with reaching out for help. For me, it took a long time to realize that I have value. I’ve learned to love myself and to love others and even if there are challenges ahead, I’ve learned to appreciate the experiences of others and the beauty of life. I wake up and I look out the window and I thank God for the life that I’ve been given. There’s a reason my suicide attempt didn’t happen. As hard as it might be to believe, I’ve come to understand my challenges as a blessing in disguise and I am who I am because of them.’