5/11/2017

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‘The first time I was molested, I was still in my crib. I was too young to know who did it or to say anything and I don’t know how much it affected me at the time but I knew things that no two-year old or that no five-year old child should know. It took me a while to figure out that the nightmares weren’t for nothing.

I was seven when I was molested by a bunch of kids in a park. My parents are amazing but they didn’t really know how to deal with this kind of thing so I never really got any help as a child. Things obviously went downhill from seven on. I became aware of suicide when I was twelve and even though I couldn’t get around the fact that suicide hurts the people you leave behind, I liked the fact that the pain could actually end.

Eventually, I moved to Utah with no family and no accountability to anyone. Living on my own is great but it’s killing me. The suicide attempts are getting progressively serious. This last time, I ended up in intensive care. It was so scary because I’d never been so close or so sick. A friend of mine was the one who took me to the hospital. He left on his mission a few days after that and he made me promise that I’d be here when he gets back. As much lying as I’ve done in the past to cover the pain, I never make a promise that I won’t keep.

There have been days, since, when I’ve regretted making that promise, but another friend is coming, right now to take me to an in-patient facility and I’m ready to try to explore other alternatives. I don’t understand why people tell me they’re proud of me for staying alive. There’s nothing to be proud of in letting myself get to this point. But, today I made a list of reasons to live. My family and friends are on the list and I’d like to finish a book I’m writing. I also have a fish. The bottom line is that I don’t want to hurt anyone but I also don’t want to hurt either.

I speak from experience in that, when someone tells you they want to hurt themselves…or if someone gives you the indication that they want to end their own life…that is a message, however subtle it might be. Pay attention. You could be moments away from saving someone and taking the time to listen, if it saves someone’s life, is more important than anything.’

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