‘I’ve always been a religious person. I grew up in the Mormon church and, while I believe it’s the right church for me, I’m also afraid sometimes that it isn’t. There are things that I don’t agree with. I spend time thinking and worrying that, when I die, I’m going to discover that everything I’ve ever been taught and understood isn’t what’s really out there or even next.
I was active for a really long time but since I’ve been married, I’ve stopped going to church. I worked hard to align my personal beliefs with those of the church. It felt like I was the only one trying to dig deep and find answers. Over time, more questions came up for which there were no answers. The breaking point came when I chose not to go on a mission. I didn’t want to teach anyone anything that I wasn’t sure of. It just felt hypocritical to imagine doing that.
So, I decided to keep looking but to hang on to my own beliefs as well and that’s where I am right now. I don’t know where I’ll go with it but I’ve started school with a lot of students from out of state. I’ve met so many people with differing beliefs and I think, if I hadn’t made that decision, I wouldn’t feel so much more allowed to listen to people with different perspectives and to understand them.
I used to think those differing perspectives were wrong but I feel now that it’s not about me versus them. I’m learning to accept people all around me, no matter who they are or what they do or believe or even don’t believe. I still feel very distressed and in the heat of things. I don’t feel secure but I’m finding my way and I’m doing my best with what I understand. I don’t think whoever God is can ask much more than that.’